A wise man once said: “All relationships end badly… or they wouldn’t end. Unless, of course, one of you dies.” However, to me, dieing is also a “bad” ending.

Well, let me tell you, I have had my share of “bad” relationships. And besides being somewhat older and substantially more bitter, I actually have become a bit wiser. So may I please have the attention of the young and dumb out there. I’m about to let you in on my hard learned wisdom.

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Tomorrow morning I will be leaving with my wife on a 7 day vacation to the Outerbanks of North Carolina. We have a beach house and will be getting plenty wasted on the beach. It’s a long deserved vacation after a month of hell. Our house was robbed and my truck hit by some bitch at the mall. Nothing like having to spend my hard earned money to fix and replace shit because people are worthless piles of crap.

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What a great few weeks it’s been eh? A University of Florida student gets the well deserved “shock” of his life. A Warren, Ohio women gets tased numerous times. I honestly can say I have never been tased. However, I love watching people get tased. People think that we have some sort of “rights” as Americans that allow them to act like complete morons. Almost like these rights gives them some sort of authority. In actuality the one with the taser has all the authority, 50,000 volts of authority.

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In case any of you haven’t seen it on the news, (crawl back under your rock) OJ Simpson was arrested last Thursday in Las Vegas. I know what you’re probably thinking. Whose throat did he slit now? Surprisingly that’s not the case. The Juicemaster is charged with two counts of each armed burglary and conspiracy to commit burglary for trying to obtain “sports memorabilia” that was supposedly stolen from him by a former agent.

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Can anyone honestly say that the “bad girl” thing has ever been “in”? Is it our fault we aren’t giving you enough attention? Now, for attention, all girls have to do is run over some pedestrians while driving drunk or get caught doing lines off a night club toilet seat. Celebrity life must suck.

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I’m totally not the “save the world” type. I don’t want to save the rain forest or stop world hunger. Nor do I feel the need to save the homeless. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t see some jerk off standing around with a sign begging for money.

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Holy crap! If anything has ever been worthy of a Crapspew Review, it’s this dandy right here: The Envirolet, environmentally friendly toilet.
In all matters of fairness, and because I’m not quite the asshole I lead people to believe, I will defer any further evaluation of The Envirolet until you have had a chance to read and judge its merit for yourself.
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I really get annoyed by foreign people. Let me rephrase that. I really get annoyed by foreign people who are too lazy to learn the English language. All of you border-crossers out there can get pissed off at me and bitch about how I don’t know Spanish, but you know what? You don’t see me hoping on the first raft to Mexico.

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Why do people always tell you that you can’t smell your own stink. That’s just plain wrong. I don’t know about you, but whenever I can smell myself, I want to shower immediately. Partly because I don’t like smelling myself when I smell like shit. Mostly because I have respect for the people around me and I’m pretty sure they don’t like the smell of shit either. If you can smell yourself… we can too.

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There is a common perception that each new generation is to some degree worse off than the previous. There is even a proverb to this effect that goes something like: “The world is going to hell in a hand basket.”  Know why this is true?  We are fighting Darwin.
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