Sweet leapin’ Jesus!! What in the hell is going on in Fantasy Football? What did I do to the FFL Gods that they might turn their collective heads on me? What transgressions of my own have resulted in this butt-raping of a season?

I was ‘the man with the plan’ going into my FFL Draft. We do an auction-style where our FFL team owners bid on free agents to form their own rosters. Chances are you might want to do some homework before bidding a big hunk of your cheese on Peyton Manning (which I did not do, by the way). As usual, I did not want to do the homework, and therefore did not do the homework. I’ve been to our league Super Bowl twice in six years without ever doing a lick of research. I’m not a big fan of research…or licking. The one season I did waste a month of my summer watching ESPN, buying and studying pre-draft magazines, making graphs and flowcharts and all that horse shit, I didn’t even make the playoffs, so F that noise.

Anyhow,  my plan going in this year was the same as the season before, and the season before that: I’m getting the Chargers’ L.T. regardless of price and smokin’ everyone’s ass all the way to the playoffs, baby! Booo-yaaaaa!!! By the way, I’m not an ‘ass-smoker’. It’s a figure of speach,  so shut the fuck up you twelve year old simpletons out there giggling to yourselves like Beavis & Butthead. I am however playing for my third straight playoff appearance and a repeat showing in the Super Bowl to avenge last year’s disgraceful end to what was otherwise a beautiful season. I was 11-5 with a league-leading 8 game win streak. Suck on that, bitches!

I thought my draft went well this year, achieving the L.T. dream with the second pick overall. That’s right! This year’s success was all but locked in with that one pick and half of my money! A few more key players and I’m rolling over everyone! I end up with a rough starting line-up that looked pretty good when all was said and done. I was a bit proud of myself, and a bit tipsy.

Now then, after having suffered through the first three weeks of this season and worst Super Bowl hangover in history, I am shamefully ranked dead-ass last at 0-3. The biggest loser. The floater. Bottom of the toilet, with the lid closed. “That guy”…

I did not win the Super Bowl last year, nor the the other time I made it, but I made it. (unlike six other teams in our league, so fuck off with your Buffalo Bills jokes) Losing that game broke my massive, mind-melting win streak, and almost my will to live. So, as virtual coach of my team, The Upstate Rage, I have a few things to say to the boys that generally start week in and week out to get them back on their game and try to salvage this train-wreck of a season: 

Donovan McNabb - QB - The color of your skin doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if you were some freaked-up half breed martian-Sesquatch mix. Let’s all move on and keep pumping out games like this past week…or its back in shackles for you, boy! I will stripe you like a tiger and sell you at auction to the first bidder.

L.T. - RB - Please just hurry up and kick the shit out of Phillip Rivers already so we can start scoring some wins, bro. I know he’s not the whole problem, but someone has to be the proverbial example on every team. Hell, with your insano-mad skills, you don’t even need a starting passer! You can have the ball snapped directly to you. You should be lobbying for that.

“Run!!! Coach is on a rampage!!” - L.T.

Maurice Jones-Drew - RB - Huge let down here, buddy. You ended last year on fire. What happenend? P.S. Only women hyphenate their names. Stop being gay.

Frank Gore - RB - Better get it together, there, Maurice Jones-II. If you keep messin’ with this bull, you’ll get ‘gore’d', alright. Pull yourself together, mister.

Larry Fitzgerald - WR - When are you going to pull the ”Nancy Kerrigan” on Anguan Bolden, the ball-hoggin TD vulture? He is soooo stealing the thunder of your limited years.

Bernard Berrian or Muhsin Muhammad - WRs - You guys are pissing away what could be career seasons on the wrong end of Rex Grossman’s debacles. I feel for you there, and suggest a drive-by shooting at the Grossman household. Don’t get caught like Ray Lewis.

L.J. Smith - TE - Please get healthy or fucking die already. 

Neil Rackers - K - Not a bad showing this year…so far. If you want to keep me from kicking a field goal with your cubes, keep up the good work.

Minnesota DST  - D - What can I say to you fellas but “Good fuckin’ Job”. You’re the stars of the team. Unfortunately, you’re only counted as a unit and not individuals; kinda like the Borg, but without the cool head-gear.

With all that said, let’s get ready for this weekend, you leaking bags of monkey-spunk.  You’re making me, the Commissioner of this league, look like a horses ass. I do not appreciate your less-than-stellar outings. Start playing like the players I drafted or I will fuckin’ kill all of you. How’s that for motivation?

Coach Madness

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 25th, 2007 at 1:34 pm and is filed under WTF!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.