Holy crap! If anything has ever been worthy of a Crapspew Review, it’s this dandy right here: The Envirolet, environmentally friendly toilet.
In all matters of fairness, and because I’m not quite the asshole I lead people to believe, I will defer any further evaluation of The Envirolet until you have had a chance to read and judge its merit for yourself.
Ironically, I was checking Crapspew yesterday for new meat, and the ad for this beauty was on the right hand side of the page, fed in through Google or some shit. Much like an interstate pile-up, I couldn’t resist staring and had to see more. You can read about this fine piece of ecological advancement here.
I personally think the green-loving tree huggers of this continent are turning into brown-loving crap huggers. The Envirolet is brought to us by our proud ‘Neighbors to the North’ in Canada, and has since bled down into the States into places like Colorado where other tree and crap lovers apparently live. There’s a lot of fuckin’ trees in Crapada, so I can see why there’d be a lot of tree fuckin’ going on, but that may be a different write-up unrelated to their nation-wide crap fetish, yet equally as bizarre.
Anyhow, the basic premise of The Envirolet is that it is “waterless”. No water is harmed when you let one fly because no water is used to flush down your residuals. The turds magically drop into a bin below your naked ass, never reaching a public sewer or recycling plant. A gravity flush, if you will. Not only does it conserves the water used for the average flushing process, but it also saves the lakes, rivers, streams, puddles and piss-holes of the world from any potential pollution via waste spills, run-offs or illegal ‘dump-and-runs’ that may lead to your human waste ending up in our would-be drinking water, recreational waterways and swimming holes.
But the crap doesn’t stop there! Oh, no, young bucky! The Envirolet also produces a recyclable organic resource of composted poop for the gardener-types out there, conveniently made and stored right below your crapper. I hear the end product will make roses (and any neighbors) really take off! It has been rumored in unpublished user reviews and on poop-themed message boards that The Envirolet also keeps rodents, raccoons, insects, wild bear, salesmen, burglars and all other manner of unsavory and unwelcome visitors away from your home. Who wouldn’t want this shit-filled fume-box installed under their house for those reasons alone?!?
The Envirolet helps to aid in the fight against world-wide water shortages and pollution; and has been featured on National Geographic. Deflated, flap-jack tittied native chicks have also been featured on National Geographic. I doubt they’re directly interested in The Envirolet, but may want their opinion heard on the world-wide water shortage thing. Again, I digress…
Your personal crap-to-compost maker will continue its return on your investment for years and years to come thanks to a lifetime guarantee. That’s right! If you’re unloading on this thing some after-party Saturday morning, delivering an after-party load that would cause an average, water-based toilet to give way long before you’re done gruntin’, and then something goes horribly awry, like say, I don’t know….you crack the seat mount and plummet into the compost pile, the makers of this product will gladly replace any faulty equipment unconditionally. Your dignity in said event, however, is not guaranteed. I can’t speak for your diet, but if this thing can withstand a lifetime in my bathroom, it would have to be made out of diamonds or some ‘space-age’ material that can withstand gamma rays. If that’s the case, whatever the purchase price is would be a steal.
The Envirolet also adds character to whatever establishment you install it in. People will be warned that you have this handsome feature installed long before reaching your dwelling by its giant PVC, chimney-like poop-stack protruding from the side of the storage unit and towering proudly over your roof line. I can only assume this eye-catching feature allows for the dispersion of odorous ass-gasses high above your dwelling and the face-level air that you have to breath to survive. If you have nasal sensitivity, you will know to turn back miles in advance. The Envirolet is truly multi-functional.
If you click around the web page for The Envirolet, you will find other fun eco-products and actual, published user reviews as well as applications and installation of this nasty bitch. But more interestingly, you will find a video made by some crap lover of a shit-talking, farting cartoon toilet named ‘Flushie’ bragging about how he gets into all the same waters we do. Yup, old Flushie the Toilet really puts the crap out there. I never thought a toilet could be so compelling. I also couldn’t help but thinking of a cartoon version of myself crapping in Flushie’s mouth as he gleefully contaminates some cartoon children and such. Good stuff, and a welcome diversion from my normal train of thought.
All in all, I’m pretty sure I’m going to stick with the two conventional, environment-wrecking, water-hogging thrones I currently run my kingdom from. Much like a comfy old sofa’s butt –groove, my toilets are like old, weathered friends. When the day comes that one or both give up from the abuse, I may consider installing The Envirolet, but only if I can manage to pipe the poop-stack across the street into that ‘white-trash’ neighbor’s A/C intake. Otherwise, a new porcelain will do just fine by me.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007 at 4:40 pm and is filed under That's Craptastic!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.