It seems like some sort of miracle if you call up a business and a person picks up. Usually it’s some sort automated mind game; a stress test if you will. To see just how pissed off you can really get. Almost every automated phone system is different from the next. As if dealing with the boiler room butt holes you are trying to reach isn’t going to be hell in itself. Figuring out how to speak to one is half the battle.

Many of you probably share the same sentiments as me on the subject. Dealing with automated phone systems can make you want to hang yourself with the phone cord, or at least the person who invented them.

There are quite a few different automated systems. Everyone is familiar with the “press” system.

“If you are extremely annoyed, Press 1″

But usually before you get press anything you have to “pay attention, because the menu has changed.” Plus, as an added bonus, we get to hear it all in Spanish! If you’re lucky they give you the option to “wait on the line” if you don’t have a touch tone phone. Does anyone still own a phone that isn’t touch tone? If you do, you’re old. (You should probably turn in your license.)

There have been many “advancements” in automated phone systems in recent years. My personal favorite is the auto voice recognition. The one that always completely understands what you’re saying.

“If you’d like to speak to someone, who will just transfer you anyways, say yes”

You better hope your phone has a semi-crappy receiver. Otherwise, if someone so much as coughs in the background, it could totally change the response you wanted to give. On the other side, if your phone isn’t good enough, you will be screaming into it very soon.

“Yes.”
“We’re sorry. We did not understand you response.”
“YES.”
“We’re sorry. We did not understand….”
“YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!”
“We’re sorry…”
“Ok! Fucking NO! Ok? NO!”
“Thank you.”

You have to be kidding me. How can you not understand a one syllable word? You just understood me when I spoke my account number, didn’t you? Why is it that you always have to say or press in your account number, only you know the asshole that eventually picks up is going to ask you anyways?

Another great feature of automated phone systems is being able to make a payment over the phone. I usually try to pay for anything I can online, but it’s always a pleasant surprise when the companies website is down and you are forced actually call.

I had to do this the other day. My insurance company’s website was down. I won’t say what insurance company, but let’s just say I wasn’t in good hands… ok? So I called them up and went through the usual 10 min of just trying to get to where I had to be to make a payment. I perfectly executed the sixteen digit credit card number. Then was glad to hear…

“We’re sorry we are unable to process your request at this time. Please try again later.”
“MOTHER FUCKER!”

For the love of God, is it that hard to transfer me to a “human” at this point? It’s simple logic. Get me to someone who “might” be able to fix the problem. More than likely it’s a PROBLEM WITH THE PHONE SYSTEM! Sometimes you finally will get to an actual person only to realize that they hit the wrong button and hung up on you. YOU ASSHOLE!

It’s always great too when the person who can’t help you, apparently has to transfer you to the one that can. You don’t know if the transfer went through because there’s no music. So you sit in some sort of on hold limbo. You eventually have to hang up because you are sure you’ve entered the black hole of the on hold universe.

It’s always some pretty killer music too huh? They use music that “everyone will like.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like it. It’s usually some redneck pig fucking shit or ”Hit’s from the 40’s.” It would be nice to call up my bank and hear Pantera’s Cowboys from Hell. Although, if I was pissed, I might start to get violent with Shaniqua when she tells me I have to get transferred for the forth time.

The absolute worst is when you get stuck in the automated loop from hell. No matter what you press, it is apparently “invalid” and kicks you back to the main menu. It makes me feel like a total idiot. Thanks automated phone system.

“Want to keep a moron busy for hours?” Click here.

Thankfully there is hope. This website tells you how to get right to a “human” by bypassing the automated hell. Want a human? - Gethuman.com

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 9th, 2007 at 6:42 pm and is filed under WTF!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.