Holy shit! Where do I start on this one? With the horrible things people do to their cars in the name of customization, that’s where. Oh, they’re “custom” all right, if by “custom” you mean completely fucked because of all the crap you did to it.

What the hell is with those retarded oversized “tin can” mufflers that kids think are cool these days? Apparently the definition of “cool” has been changed to “sounds like an ailing weed-eater” when it comes to those annoying-ass mufflers. What were you thinking?? Was it that you think your piece of shit 1988 Civic is the same as one of the cars from “The Fast and the Furious”? More like ‘the loud and obnoxious’. I’d like to personally take the time off of work to go car-to-car and jam a cantaloupe in each one of those irritating fuckin’ tailpipes. Then jam a matching cantaloupe up the ass of those brain-dead jack-offs that think they’re cool, or thinks that their crappy little Civic is actually faster because of it. If anything, those over-sized mufflers reduce the amount of horsepower that cars put to the ground by reducing the back-pressure designed into the OEM exhaust. (Do your homework on back-pressure, there, greasy). You’ve got to be kidding with that shit!! I’ve seen seven second drag cars with smaller exhaust pipes. And, I currently own a lawnmower that not only sounds better, but I bet it can knock out the quarter-mile about as fast as your car. Personally, I’d rather jam your head under the mower than have to hear your piece of shit toaster coming down my block one more time.

And those same cars that have an aftermarket wing on them? As if that car was fast enough to need a wing to keep it on the ground. Even if it DID need a wing, shouldn’t it be on the hood?? After all, Civics and all of those high school boy cars are front-wheel drive. (Again with the homework: Do some before you go f’in’ up your ride!) You know, if at very least the wing looked like it belonged on the car, and not something you made with your little brother’s Erector Set, I could look the other way. But no!! Apparently the uglier and more mismatched the better. The “shop class” look must be in. Congratulations. You’re the poster child for B.O.C.E.S.

And you soon-to-be deaf bastards with the loud stereo and all the bass will be easy enough to pick out of the crowd when you finally grow up. You’ll be the guys in their thirties saying “huh?” and “what was that?” after everything spoken to you. I really have no problem with the loud music, but does it all have to be so ghetto, white-boy? I’m not saying you gotta thump to Barry Manilow or shit like that, just have a little courtesy in your choice of “artists” if you insist on deafening yourself and closest neighbors. And what better way to scream to the world “STEAL MY STEREO!!” than to have the trunk lid and door panels rattling? I think half of the stereos stolen in this area are by neighbors who are just sick and tired of hearing your shit. They know full well by looking at the $450 car they jacked your stereo out of that you aren’t going to be replacing it anytime soon, there Mr. Night-shift at Wendy’s.

And who the hell decided it was stylish to have 22” rims on a Chevy Caprice, or any car for that matter? There are a very few ultra-high end sports cars that come with rims around 20”, but they actually need them. I can tell you right now without even seeing your version of “riding dirty” that your car does not. Those same neighbors that stole your stereo are eyeing those wheels right now, knowing full well that if they steal those too, the car’s going nowhere, meaning you won’t have to start it, and then they don’t have to listen to your shit at all. Are you starting to see how bad decisions can snowball?

Truck owners, you shame me; and should be ashamed of yourselves! If any of the following applies, you are obligated to immediately take your own life to help cleanse the gene-pool (be honest…and then be brave):

• You have an extremely oversized truck to supplement your extremely under-sized penis
• Your truck is dropped and tires are sticking out of the wheel wells by several inches on 14’’ rims
• You have your name emblazoned across the back window in an arc of pride for “your people” (although it’s only your name on the window…you know who I’m talking about)
• Your truck has 22’s on it.
• Your truck has taped on after-market ground effects or those lame-ass extended-cab window louvers
• Your truck has a “fade” paint job custom done by Cousin Jesus~ (pronounced hay-zues), who happens to be one of the fifteen people currently in the bed of the truck
• You have a home-made cap or bed cover of any type (even if it’s to hide family/ coworkers)
• Your truck has a wing of any type
• Your truck has an unnecessary lift or drop of more than two inches
• Your truck has Glass Packs or other uselessly offending mufflers

I’ll sum this rant up like this: Stop fucking kidding yourself because you and “cool” are from different galaxies. Stop wasting your money and our senses on any accessories for your piece-of-shit that cost more than the piece-of-shit itself. If you continue to piss off your neighbors with your car, they will not only rob you as described above, but may put your carcass in the trunk, and you’ll never live long enough to go deaf. Most importantly, stop being stupid.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2007 at 4:40 pm and is filed under WTF!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.