Ok, out there! Who’s with me on this one? Is not the entire layout and concept of a typical “men’s room” the most ridiculously disgusting and degrading place on earth? It’s a two front attack on your senses and dignity. Here’s how:

The Bathroom Itself

The men’s room by design attempt to break our will, the very nature bred into us, by making us stand, dick hanging out, next to some other dude, whose dick is hanging out? Once upon a time, and currently for a lot of “lower” species, urination was the way to mark your territory. No matter how you got that territory, piss was the way to make sure everyone else knew it was yours. Have we gotten so far removed from our primal roots that we are now only allowed by society to piss in pre-designated stalls or a standee? And then, not even alone!?! It takes the whole territory dimension right out of the equation completely. This is an outrage!

And who designed the so-called ‘barriers’ between those damn stalls and standees? That fuckin’ knucklehead must’ve been some sort of pecker-peekin’ weirdo, or something. Not only do the dividers not divide anything with all of their three foot of height, but they’re always anchored way too low on the wall. If the intention for the dividers was to give some semblance of privacy, that intention has failed miserably. “Privacy” shouldn’t offer the opportunity for some jack-ass who doesn’t understand the unwritten “eyes straight ahead” man-law the chance for a face to face small-talk session that makes me want to split his head….as soon as I’m done pissing. If you’re going to bother with a paltry three foot wall, at least anchor the bottom about thigh high so I don’t have to see the guy standing right next to me. If he can’t see me, he’s less likely to start some uncomfortable conversation to talk over the sound of his pissing because he’s embarrassed it doesn’t make the manly splash in the water at the bottom, always shooting straight to the back and running silently down instead. Your insecurity about your micro- unit is not my problem, and I’m not going to suffer through your uncomfortable ramblings for it either.

And the whole stall concept sucks just as bad. It’s gotta be the same shithead that did the standees. Every panel has a huge gap between itself and the next, so why fucking bother in the first place. And same as the standees, why the fuck don’t the walls go from ceiling to floor? I don’t want to recognize the shoes of whoever is delivering the ultra-noisy death-blow in stall two. I just don’t. It’s hard enough trying to hold my breath for the two minutes it takes to piss, wash my hands and get the hell out of there without having to fight off the mental imagery of Johnny Coworker grunting out last night’s fiesta buffet. I’m probably going to have some urination/ cock-problem down the road that is a direct result of my desperate pushing to speed the process up and shave a few seconds off my time in the “crapper”. Thank you, creepy, pecker-peekin’ guy.

The one plus is that I now can hold my breath for two+ minutes should I ever find myself in a situation requiring that skill-set. A situation that is almost always going to be better than the men’s room itself on any day ending with the letter “y”. Like a bridge collapse…or being buried in an avalanche. Maybe your Houdini tribute trick goes horribly wrong! Or you just can’t get the seat belt undone after your failed attempt at jumping the Atlantic in your Honda. Something…anything other than having to breath the noxious, microscopic, airborne particles coming out of some dude’s dark and stanky. And while I’m thinking about it, what do we got to do to get a functional fan or two in here!?! Maybe oxygen masks would be beneficial, and help to keep rising healthcare costs at bay.

I moved four miles from my place of business so I wouldn’t ever have to do more than pee at work. Even in ‘times of trouble’, I can still make the mad-dash to my truck and clench up prison-style for the ten minute ride to my own crapper at home. I have yet to make a mess.

The bathroom offenders

For the half to three quarters of you swingin’ dicks that actually DO wash your hands after handling yourself, congratulations, but I am here to remind you that your Mother does not work with you. She will not come back around behind you and clean up the soap and water you left all over the countertop; and she will not pick up those bits of paper towels you left on the floor. Do it yourself, you nasty bastards. And this one’s really important: make sure you flush. Even if Mommy does work with you, she’s not allowed in the men’s room to clean up after your careless-ass. Well, unless of course your old lady is actually…a man!! (Oh, the scandal!) Then, who am I to stop the hairy bitch from using a standee? Hey! While “Pat” is in there, he can clean up my shit while she’s at it.

For the quarter to half that are non-hand-washers, we know who you are, and shame on you. Not only that, but we have serious but fun nick-names for each of you. Colorful honorifics as ”Piss-hands” and “Shit-fingers” are what we’re thinking of when we do not shake your offered hand or touch anything you have in the last week. I’m not shaking if you just shook. End of story.

For the cleaning people of the men’s room: Stop fucking filling the towel dispenser with every God-damned towel you have. It makes me insane to go for a towel and come back with two wet pieces the size of my fingertips. I’d get the towels in advance, but some fucking child-like asshole left the countertop all wet and soapy so there’s no where to put them while I wash. And while you’re not over-filling the towel dispenser, could you take one of those extra towels and clean those nose-goblins off the wall? Upper-right of stall one? I know you fucking see `em. Get your short-ass up on a bucket or something and clean that shit off. And when you’re done with that, please, PLEASE, for the love of God refill the toilet paper rolls…or I’ll call “la migra” and have you fucking deported.

And lastly, for that sick mother-fucker that insists on picking his beak in the men’s room, STOP WIPING IT ON THE WALL!! I am not kidding. That is beyond WRONG, and makes me want to violently split your head…as soon as I’m done pissin’.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 3rd, 2007 at 8:11 am and is filed under WTF!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.